A bit depressing, but I need to get it out!
I really need to get all this out and I don't expect anyone to read this.
I have had a really hard time of late. Emotionally, I feel like a wreck. I just have so much self hate, disgust and loathe at the moment. I look at myself in the mirror and see this disgusting being that is unattractive, horrible and just plain foul!
I hate the way people expect me to be this positive ray of light all the time. I am always making sure everyone else is happy and feeling ok, when deep inside I am constantly crying and wanting to just crawl into a hole and just hide.
I have two of the most beautiful children in the world and I feel like I am a constant failure to them. I am not patient, calm and perfect for them. I often think that they will look at me when they are older and wish they had someone else as a mother.
It was TJ's first day at daycare today and I have been a total case all weekend, crying and feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. He is my baby and how the hell could anyone love him or care for him as much as I do? He has been there for an hour so far, and I am going to have to call to see how he is going.
I am starting to resent WW. I am working my arse off to lose weigh and it just isn't shifting. I am eating well, doing everything right, exercising daily (and more often than not, TWO TIMES A DAY). I read and hear of people on the program who *cheated* this week, or had a bad week eating wise and STILL lose weight. It is really starting to make me just want to throw it all in because I am doing all the things I should be and NOT LOSING THE WEIGHT!
I was feeling pretty good last week jumping on the scales, expecting a kg loss, only to see I had GAINED that week. Yes, 200g is nothing, but it was NOT a loss...it was a GAIN!
There are so many things going on in my head at the moment. I am such an effing mental case, constantly crying, hating myself that I just don't know what to do anymore. :( I even closed my journal at a site I frequent because I don't want sympathy, I am not looking for attention or *kind words*, it is something I know I have to work out for myself. Until then, I guess I just have to plod on by, hoping that my family will still be here when I am through his spot and on the other side.
I have had a really hard time of late. Emotionally, I feel like a wreck. I just have so much self hate, disgust and loathe at the moment. I look at myself in the mirror and see this disgusting being that is unattractive, horrible and just plain foul!
I hate the way people expect me to be this positive ray of light all the time. I am always making sure everyone else is happy and feeling ok, when deep inside I am constantly crying and wanting to just crawl into a hole and just hide.
I have two of the most beautiful children in the world and I feel like I am a constant failure to them. I am not patient, calm and perfect for them. I often think that they will look at me when they are older and wish they had someone else as a mother.
It was TJ's first day at daycare today and I have been a total case all weekend, crying and feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. He is my baby and how the hell could anyone love him or care for him as much as I do? He has been there for an hour so far, and I am going to have to call to see how he is going.
I am starting to resent WW. I am working my arse off to lose weigh and it just isn't shifting. I am eating well, doing everything right, exercising daily (and more often than not, TWO TIMES A DAY). I read and hear of people on the program who *cheated* this week, or had a bad week eating wise and STILL lose weight. It is really starting to make me just want to throw it all in because I am doing all the things I should be and NOT LOSING THE WEIGHT!
I was feeling pretty good last week jumping on the scales, expecting a kg loss, only to see I had GAINED that week. Yes, 200g is nothing, but it was NOT a loss...it was a GAIN!
There are so many things going on in my head at the moment. I am such an effing mental case, constantly crying, hating myself that I just don't know what to do anymore. :( I even closed my journal at a site I frequent because I don't want sympathy, I am not looking for attention or *kind words*, it is something I know I have to work out for myself. Until then, I guess I just have to plod on by, hoping that my family will still be here when I am through his spot and on the other side.
Hey I am really sorry everything is so hard right now. I have weeks like that too and although I have done well in the last two weeks at Weight Watchers, this week I was feeling better about my eating and figured it would show better on the scales, but so far it is showing me as a gain :( Are you doing No count? I am.
Hang in there Angie, hope you feel better soon
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:36 AM
Hye hon! I am doing the no count plan, but am thinking of going back to points on Wed (I WI on Tuesday evening). I just prefer the freedom of the points plan and have a freezer full of WW meals I am dying to eat :)
Posted by
Angie |
11:38 AM
Hi Angie, sorry to hear you're having a horrible time right now. I know what you mean about receiving nice comments and such but it doesn't change anything. I'm not sure what else to say but I hope you feel better soon and know that there are heaps on people here, myself included, that support you and are hear if you need to chat. Take care!
Posted by
Tina |
3:27 PM
I've been nodding along with so much of what you're saying. It's like there are so many things that you can just take in your stride most of the time but then you have days when the same things make you feel like punching a wall.
I think every mother had doubts sometimes - I mean, when you think about it, it's the thing we want to suceed in of anything in life and it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. It's the people who don't have the doubts who are the worst mothers because they don't care enough.
Look after yourself :)
Posted by
Kathryn |
9:04 PM
Just sending you out big hugs and kisses. Yes we read and yes we care!
Posted by
Jadey |
10:15 PM
Hey angie!
Hey your right, no one else could or will love and care for TJ as much as you do! But they will keep him safe and look after him! Just like you do as a school teacher!
Sorry to hear things are a bit tough!
Ive had the bit where ive cheated (b4 the forum) and lost weight and currently working my butt off doing the most exercise since forever and gaining weight!
Its only normal to get upset every once and awhile... and TJ going to daycare is a big thing! (id be a mental case too if my 2year old went to daycare!)
Posted by
Tiffany |
9:11 AM